In Los Angeles yesterday, an old person yet again accused another old person of molestation sometime around 100 years ago when they were a child. The alleged molester, Kip Arnold, was a school teacher and by all reports from his neighbors, a very kind, quiet and trustworthy person. When police converged on Mr. Arnold to arrest him, he lead them on a high speed chase through the Los Angeles area, ending with him flying off an embankment and crashing into a tree. He's now in the hospital where he's being healed so they can prop him up in front of whatever weeping, cross burning mob is waiting to throw him in prison for the rest of his life. Other victims are already beginning to step forward to take their pound of flesh and claim that they too were molested by Mr. Arnold when they were children and it is just now, after 30-some years, that this suddenly makes them sad.
In case you couldn't detect it, I've become a bit dubious about the entire cultural process of atonement, absolution and social justice for sexual predators. I don't wish to defend them or their crimes, but in a country that chants, "an eye for an eye", I'm seeing something closer to a couple of legs, an arm, a few fingers, half a liver, both testicles and an eye for an eye when it comes to child molesters.
I began to get a bit suspicious of the validity of this "justice" a short time ago when I was watching witnesses in the trial of Jerry Sandusky testify about his actions again them. Grown men turned into blubbering, sobbing children as they detailed the when's, what's and where's of their individual sexual assaults. And though I understand that Sandusky is certainly not a good person and being sexually molested isn't exactly a fond memory, I found myself questioning if the events these people went through as children were so traumatic as to call for all the hand-wringing, crippling sorrow of an overly dramatic off-Hollywood film.
What is sexual molestation? The physical nature of it is obvious, but what what does it represent emotionally to the victim? A loss of control. Helplessness. Perhaps some pain. Being forced to do something you don't want to. Shame and embarrassment. These are all unpleasant things. But they're also unpleasant things that most people experience nearly every day from their bosses or co-workers at their jobs or from teachers and other students at school.
When I was in school, being whacked with a paddle was still a common punishment for kids who broke the rules. Sometimes, teachers became overzealous with this form of punishment. On one occasion, I was taken into the hallway and smacked with a wooden paddle in front of other children for nothing more than failing to cut a shape out of a piece of construction paper properly during an art project. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I was a victim. I definitely felt a loss of control, shame, embarrassment and helplessness. There was definitely pain and I absolutely didn't want to do it. However, to this day, the woman is still a teacher at the same school and has yet to be dragged away by the enraged masses to rot in a jail cell for her brutal defilement of innocence. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. Because after about a week, I got over it.
Could it be that our level of suffering over being harmed is adjustable and programmed by society? Humiliation in one form affects us less while in another form demands an entire life in retribution. It doesn't take a genius to see that the modern American cannot function without the convenience of being able to define him/herself as a victim. We cannot accept failure or weakness in ourselves, so we push it onto another person, business, disease, large corporation or the government. And amongst our coveted victimizations, being sexually molested as a child is the Crown Jewel -- the ultimate end-all, be-all get out of jail free card. If I'm an insufferable, alcoholic bastard, don't blame me... I was molested. If I steal or take drugs -- if I'm violent or even kill someone, it's not entirely my fault. I was molested. And we -- as nasty, broken, ill-mannered and ultimately inhuman as we can be -- can sleep soundly at night knowing that the person to blame for all our faults is sitting in a jail cell somewhere.
And in that sense, these child molesters are, in fact, the saviors of their own victims. They are their personal messiahs. The molested have been washed blemishless of all sins by their molesters. Because, no matter the situation, it's always harder to confront your demons and move on than blaming someone else for all your problems.
Abuse of a child in any form is bad, this I will not deny. However there is an inherent difference in being physically abused and even emotionally abused and in being sexually abused as a child.
ReplyDeleteI have the dubious distinction of having experienced all three of these types of abuse, so there is some perspective.
There is a particular shame in being sexually abused - especially by someone who is very important in your life, and is in a position of authority over you, as Jerry Sandusky was to those boys - and it compounds the older you get.
There is the aspect of being a child, and having this vague sense that this...thing happening is wrong but being unable to articulate how or why. There is the fact that very often, a child might orgasm in this situation and this is used as an excuse by either the molestor or the child themselves to deny that the molestation even happened, or that they enjoyed it and so deserved it. There may even be the question of if they didn't ask for it somehow.
The reason it is so reviled is because it messes up a child on so many levels in ways that physical abuse does not often do, and to a degree that even constant emotional abuse can have trouble reaching. It is an adult taking advantage of one they should be protecting in the most intimate and personal way, and for their own gratification.
In a very real sense, the toll demanded of sexual molestors and sexual predators IS fair; they, in a very real sense, took the innocence and life of a child when they knew better, and when found out they give their life in return.
There a bond of trust that is so essential and fragile that is broken when an adult sexually assaults a child, and the child may not recover in their lifetime, and I feel like saying that victims use this as a cop-out for whatever is wrong in their lives is a bit more cynical and unnecessarily mean to them than is needed.
A person's decisions are their own, yes, and they must take responsibility for them. But that does not mean that contributing factors, such as past abuse of any kind, didn't contribute in some way. There is a difference in identifying abuse in someone's past as a factor of what led them to their current actions, and using it as a crutch on which to lean and justify their actions.
tl;dr Sexual molestation harms a child on deep levels that other types of abuse rarely reach, and there's a difference between a contributing factor to one's actions and using abuse as a crutch to lean on. Regardless, everyone is responsible for their own actions.
Maybe the difference between losing control to a paddle and losing control to a sexual predator is that sex is supposed to be a good thing? So having it turned against you in such a way ruins that activity for the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteNow, whether or not society overreacts to that, I can't say with any certainty, but I can see where they might start to draw the line.
Also dude, the captcha here is completely messed up. If you can take it off, would you please?
I'm with you on this one. I think we live in a "victim culture" where its become popular to be a victim of some sort of past trauma. Especially in the furry fandom, where being a victim gives someone a crutch for all their social failings.
ReplyDeleteBad things happen to all of us. Some worse than others. My dad liked to beat me bloody and semi-conscious most days when I was a kid. Some folks got uncle touchy, Father McFeeley, or meth-head mom. Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself because something bad happened to ya doesn't solve any problems.
Someone can make you a victim, once. But if you remain a victim, you can blame no one but yourself.
I for one, am tired of people (especially furries) competing for victimhood status and asspats.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, it definitely bothers me when people victimize themselves over their past trauma. You are either a victim or a survivor. Victims seek attention. Victims seek somebody to vent to and expect eternal love and gratitude. Survivors realize that it is just a small part of their entire story and they should do everything they can to cope with it and learn from it.
ReplyDeleteThe majority of people who victimize themselves and falsely claim that they have anxiety or depression when they get a little sad sometimes or have a hard time getting up in front of crowds. others, like me, survive through nightmares that will haunt them the rest of their lives. They wake up every morning after watching their families die in their dreams and continue to face the day, despite the odds stacked against them.
People need to realize that the world is not going to bow to their needs. Not everything is going to have a trigger warning on it. People need to learn to cope with the things they struggle with instead of using their flaws for attention.
Wow. Rude much?
ReplyDelete